I’ll be driving in my car by myself, listening to the dazzling new E-40 melody of how to effectively ghostride my Honda civic, when I get distracted by the Korean lady cutting me off or get a phone call which occupies me from the music.
Finally after more driving, sitting in traffic, and dozing off in my own world, I realize that the song currently being played on the radio is probably on the same level as standing next to a pregnant water buffalo give birth.
Very quickly, I change the station, only to realize that the next station is playing my favorite song - but it is almost over! I just spent all that time having the most hideous song on earth illuminate my ears, only to transition to the ending of an amazing song. It happens to me all the time.
Here is another frequent scenario.
As you pull into your driveway, the DJ on the radio that was spinning the worst music in the world finally decides to play the one song that you haven’t heard in years brining back a plethora of memories. What do you do? Sit in your car and listen to the song? No way dude, it’s just not the same.
Way to call me out on my spelling Harvin. Real mature. *rolls eyes.* I can easily go back and fix my spelling you know. Then your post will not make sense and just confuse the little kid pursuing the ESPN spelling bee even further. HA! But I won’t change anything. I’m a nice guy. I do it for the kids.
By the way, who thought of the idea to make the * symbol, the international online representation for an action verb? You can put any group of words in between the two * symbols and it automatically mean that you are pursuing that action. This is perfect to further showing emotion while chatting online.
*laughs*
*shakes them dreads*
*accidentally poops in the sink*
But it’s true, although writing is one of my strengths, my downfall is spelling. I usually rely on Microsoft Word for assistance, but I think these days I just might need a full time intern to follow me around. For the longest time as a kid, I used to spell the word opportunity with a U, “oppurtunity.” I got mad at my teachers for trying to correct me. I was a very stubborn child you know. Luckily for me though, when I got in trouble, I could charm my way out of the situation by saying something ridiculous which made people laugh at my stupidity.
This is why I decided to pursue comedy.
Here is a commercial which made me laugh recently. If it makes you laugh, then we should hang out because this is my type of humor.
So for some odd reason..I have a superpower…I have the ability to be the little paper clip in Microsoft Word that shouts at you when you @#$!&* up at grammar and spelling. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But I felt an urge when reading Pari’s last two blogs, so I will critique them in the character of my college freshman year English Professor.
Mistake 1: OMG That’s So Funny!: “Alladin”
Not only is this a movie you should never misspell. But the first one on your list? The way you spelled it, “Alladin,” makes it sound like the way Indian uncles and aunties pronounce it that annoy me (Ull-Ah-Deen)…..maybe that is the correct pronunciation…but it makes Princess Jasmine’s lines sound a little different when you pronounce it the way that would get him beat up in elementary school.
Mistake 2: OMG That’s So Funny!: “I remember the first one because it was good and made me want to quite school and become a full time Pirate”
So yea I know…what a crime, added an extra E. But now look what you’ve created. Some kid is going to read this who is just starting to learn big words like “quite” and might see your little entry Pari on our entertaining website PARIandHARVIN.com. One day he could become an amazing speller because of his addiction to online Scrabble, and finds himself on ESPN at the national spelling bee. He is a champion, a proud son, and ready to be a budding modern philosopher, however his first word is “quit.” So he doesn’t remember studying such a petty word, and goes back in his memory to..Ah yes! Pari’s blog on fantastic movies. He spells it your way. He’s out. He’s Laughed at. Loses all life confidence. And for the rest of his life, has to clean gum off of sidewalks in the ghetto in Wyoming.
Look at his Before and After
Point is. Use Spell check or Ruin a Childs Future people. Speaking of Spelling Bee’s. Here is a funny video from the national spelling bee from a few years back.
I used to have amazing handwriting. When we learned cursive in fourth grade, I must say, my slanted L’s were a force to be reckoned with. In fact, my R’s and S’s all had a unique artistic flare which earned me various smiley faces and stickers.
Flash forward thirteen years later, and I have no idea what I’m writing.
I’ll share a funny story with you all. Usually when I have an idea for a blog post, I quickly jot the idea down on a post-it note or my daily planner in the hopes to come back to it later so I can write an articulate entry. Yesterday when I got the idea for this post, I quickly wrote down the topic: “I can’t read my handwriting.”
Whats ironic, is that when I came back to it a few hours later, the following phrase read: “can’t [urdu calligraphy] [hyroglyphics] handlebars.” I sat for half an hour trying to figure out why I wanted to write about bicycles.
I think the cause for the downfall of my handwriting started in high school when we were forced to take notes. This just progressed to college where more notes were required. Soon enough, I was fluent in writing in Korean.
I propose therefore, for the world to be free of bad handwriting, that the government take the initiative and figure out a way to breed infants with built in USB drives on their foreheads so we can just download our Chemistry notes into our brains without dealing with hideous penmanship.
I’m not going to lie, Lion King made me cry. Being eleven years old and seeing Mufasa pass in the stampede was heartbreaking. That movie should have been rated R.
You know what else made me cry? Pirates of the Caribbean 3. It made me cry because it sucked so badly.
Now I’ve seen the first two films a long time ago. I remember the first one because it was good and made me want to quite school and become a full time Pirate with my friend Jessie. I remembered the second one because there was some giant octopus creature. However, this third film had more creatures mixed with a very elaborate plot line, which in my drowsy state while watching at 12am on my laptop, I didn’t care to follow. And why does Orlando Bloom always play a girl in all of his movies?
I’ve also realized, I either have ADD or just don’t have the attention span to care for certain movies even though I love watching films and am a filmmaker myself. A lot of people will run up to me and quote a film and then laugh and say “Wasn’t that so funny! Remember? LOLZZzzzz!”
And since I’m a nice person, I pretend to laugh, but in reality I usually have no idea what you’re talking about most of the time. For me, watching a movie is entertainment in that moment. I laugh, I cry, I smile, but just for those few hours. Only if the movie touched me in a spectacular way, or was actually good, will I ever go around quoting a film religiously.
However, here are some movies that will be stuck in my brain forever:
Alladin
The Goonies
The Princess Bride
Fight Club
Say Anything
Roman Holiday
Anything Will Ferrell
The porno I downloaded last Tuesday
If you haven’t heard or seen a film from that list, I recommend you do. All of them are classics and extremely quotable.
So today I found myself back on my old Alum Campus of UC Irvine..and came to a conclusion. I had felt this feeling rising in me since the first time I saw them. I hate Uggs.
You know..those stupid boots that girls wear, and conveniently tuck their jeans into? Maybe if I still lived in the Midwest, it wouldn’t be an issue…but why the hell are you wearing fashionable snow boots in California? If you are eskimo, or inuit, fine, I ain’t dissin on you, but if you’re blonde with a mini skirt, or Indian with a wealthy family, don’t wear those boots near me, or I may give you an Indian rug burn…and I’m not talking about a “Native American” rug burn…I’m preachin bout an INDIAN rug burn…ill put some garam masala on my fingers…and you’ll not only feel pain, but won’t be able to get the smell of masala off your arm scars for years.
Anyway. Pari and I have found some interesting tributes to our Crank Dat Curry Sauce video on the internet. But today, a little boy in Australia touched my heart, by doing his own dance, and even had lyrics, and props during our Uncles’ verses. Check it
Browsing Facebook, I’ve noticed that many of my Indian/Middle Eastern brothers and sisters all have a similar problem. This might come from improper hygiene or it might just be a genetic disorder. Nevertheless, in pictures, you can always catch that one person with a glistening yellow tooth.
This might be a sensitive subject for some, but when it comes down to it, honestly, it just makes me uncomfortable just looking at you. It makes me want to shout, “BRUSH YO’ TOOF!”
I’ve seen the most beautiful people with the most amazing smile all have a problem with just one tooth. It is usually the Canine tooth (the long and pointy one) that has the complication. Now I realize that there are a lot of factors that cause yellow teeth: coffee, cola, cigarette smoke, acidic foods, gargling your mouth with gasoline, but that should make everything yellow right?
Here are my top four reasons as to why one tooth might be yellow:
Forgetting to brush that one single tooth.
Eating chicken curry with only one tooth.
Excessive hookah inhalation/sucking through one side of the mouth.
It’s actually the style to have one yellow tooth according to Vogue and I don’t know about it.
Nevertheless, ladies and gentleman, if you have that one problematic tooth, don’t worry. With modern dentistry, the creation of a toothbrush, and our friend google.com, anything can be solved.
For those that don’t know, our friend Rishi Kumar helped us tremendously with our website. When I mean tremendously, he basically designed all of Version 2.0. Since he’s so good, and extremely handsome, I call him everyday for updates on our upcoming “Pictures Section,” revamped “Homepage,” and a bunch of new interactive features which should be coming up soon, right Rishi? Here is a poem I wrote dedicated to Rishi Kumar:
RISHI KUMAR
by Pari Mathur
Now this story is quite bizarre
Of my friend named Rishi Kumar
One day, while I drove in my car
Rishi himself gave me a call from afar
With girls in the background, holding a cigar
He told me he just became the czar
of a tribe in the jungles of Myanmar
I said, “how? did you open up a bazaar?”
He chuckled and said, “No, I finally finished designing pariandharvin.com”
Who was the first person that thought rolling up tobacco and smoking it was a good idea? What was going through his mind? How does one just decide to smoke something? How do you look at a tobacco plant and think to yourself that it’s a good idea to light it on fire and inhale it? I wouldn’t randomly smoke dog food. Well maybe I would, if you give me ten dollars.
Who was the first person to stomp on some grapes, let it ferment for a long period of time, and then drink it? Same goes for coffee.
Who was the first person to name their daughter Beatrice?
Did all these people just accidentally fall upon these situations? Maybe it was years of experimentation. To think about it, people had a lot of time during those days, especially without Facebook to rule their lives. But nevertheless, there is probably a ton of new stuff that is right in front of our eyes, but just hasn’t been found yet.
I am on that quest to find it. Anyone want to give me ten dollars?
