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I try as much as possible to live a healthy lifestyle. My new years resolution was to do more cardio and since then, I have kept my promise and run a mile everyday (give or take four or five days). I feel good, know I’m doing my heart a favor, and am even up to three and a half abs on my quest! BOOOYA!

I feel physically fit these days and thought I was in great condition, that is until the tree in front of my house blossomed these crazy pink mutant flowers. Now all my life I’ve never been allergic to anything. The only thing I know is that I make girls allergic to me. Anyway, for some odd reason now, every time I go outside and pass this tree with flowers, my left eye starts watering. Exactly three minutes later, I will start crying from my left eye and sneeze exactly six times consecutively thereafter.

After this ridiculous moment, everything stops and nothing happens. All is calm. It just seems like God was bored and decided to play playing tricks with my face and made everything short circuit.

Then all hell breaks loose.

My right eye starts itching while the left eye starts to spasm. Not only do I sneeze but feel extremely sleepy. I also crave butterscotch ice-cream. This happens exactly ten minutes after I pass this tree.

I took sex education in elementary school and am pretty sure I am not pregnant so I have come up with two reasons for this absurd act:

1. My Indian neighbors hate me because I play my music too loud and are trying to poison me by planting hybrid flowers that emit toxin chemicals because they’re jealous of my ability to mix from Lil’ Scrappy to Cliff Richards to Bob Marley.
2. Because of global warming, the squirrels in my neighborhood now pee deadly venom causing the tree to blossom pollutant flowers which the bees pollinate causing George Bush to become president which makes me cry.

Those are the only things that would ever cause such illogical malfunctions in my face. I refuse to believe I am allergic to anything. I am a MAN!

Now give me a tissue…

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