Ahem..I mean “Olympics” obviously. The inner potential spelling be champion located next to the kidney of all Indians corrected my terrible spelling error in the title. But finally! An Indian has won an individual gold medal (our first major worldwide achievement in sport outside of the spelling bee)! Abhinav Bindra won the gold in the Men’s Air Rifle event yesterday, but even cooler was his outfit:
All those years of DuckHunt finally paid off. Any of you guys out there like me, and would end up getting frustrated and just run up to the TV smacking the screen point blank with that awesome orange gun? I regress…this is a great achievement though, and I won’t trivialize it by equating his feat to DuckHunt.
Another Indian, Raj Bhavsar helped the US men’s gymnastics team capture a bronze medal after a hard fought journey to get on the team itself. Congrats! Wait here while I attempt the pummel horse on my dog.
I’ve realized a fear that I’ve had for many years. But only now am I able to make it public. Airplane toilets. No, I’m not claustrophobic, or have any extreme phobias of public bathrooms, but simply the act of flushing an airplane toilet. The sound emitted from one of these banshee receptacles can be equated to 5 cappuccino machines possessed by the devil and firing off at once. Since childhood I’ve been afraid of being sucked through and shot into oblivion with no parachute or floating devices. I hope I am not alone in my disliking of airline bathroom flushes, and if there are others out there, meetings are Tuesday at 7pm behind Home Depot. Next to the porta potties.
As annoying as some artists are getting on the radio as Pari mentioned. I find myself restraining my own fists from hitting myself in the forehead sometimes after seeing the attention some people get on YouTube. I also am a non-violence type of guy, and it would take hypocrisy to some weird dimension if I beat up myself. Anyway, I’m sure you know what I mean by the term “YouTube Celebs.” If not, simply go on YouTube, and look at some of the people that have the most subscriptions, and you’ll find some definite mind degenerating material. Not to completely discredit these people, I mean I occasionally have “Chocolate Rain” running around my head without finding escape, but it amazes me how much consistent support these guys get sometimes (i.e try to watch more than 3 consecutive videos of YouTube user “Fred” without questioning the invention of the internet). I’ll stop being cynical, and get to what I found. Weezer’s recent release “Pork and Beans” has a great music video that caught my attention. It features a bunch of the recent internet celebrities, including some funny cameos from geography anti-guru Ms. South Carolina, the Numa Numa guy…and yes even Tay Zonday, the creator of Chocolate Rain. See for yourself
Here are a few letters I want to send to musicians/artists/bands who are currently making bad music on the radio these days:
Dear Jordan Sparks and Chris Brown,
No, you cannot breathe without air. Please stay in school and learn about the difference between fish and human anatomy before writing your lyrics.
Love,
Pari
Dear Usher,
Trust me, you do not want to make love in this club. It’s unsanitary in here. Just looking out for you.
Your friend,
Pari
Dear Lil Wayne,
Shawty wanna thug? Are you asking me or threatening me? I don’t understand what you’re saying to me. Also, I saw your music video on YouTube. You’re not that “lil” anymore. Stop lying to yourself.
I know, I know…its been a long time, you don’t have to remind me. Yes, I admit it, I’ve been a bad updater of my own website. I’ll go ahead and subtract twelve thousand Pari points for myself.
SIKE!
Remember when “sike” was cool? Haha, you actually thought I’d really subtract Pari points to myself? You’re crazy! You know how much Pari points are worth? I’ve heard stories that some people traded their Pari points and got a new huffy bike at Target. Can you believe that! However, everyone knows Pari points are impossible to come buy. Sucks for you.
Anyway, back to topic. Yes, you might be angry that I haven’t updated my own blog. But I am also angry. Apparently I have been kept out of the loop. Being a creator of viral videos myself, apparently people failed to notify me about the funniest viral video on the planet. The first part of the following videos was made in 2006. I just saw Part I just a few weeks ago and almost wet myself. After I watched Part II shortly thereafter, I turned into a new born baby, fell to the floor, and my arms were flapping around. I was crying and couldn’t breathe because I was laughing too hard. After I watched Part III, I pissed myself.
Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the greatest viral videos on the Planet: The David Blane Street magic spoofs created by the hilarious troup, ThoseLilRabbits:
The following event can happen at any given moment at any given time. Of course, I am talking about Chai Time.
Any Indian reading this blog understands that’s time of day where you have to stop whatever it is you’re doing and make yourself a cup of tea. Now I am not a big tea/coffee drinker, but have seen this happen with my own eyes. I’m not proud of it, but I guess I’ll share this secret of mine…
My parents are addicted to tea.
It’s no laughing matter. They’re up to four cups a day and its getting out of control. Initially I thought, hey, they’re just going through a phase, let them experiment, but now I am genuinely concerned.
They are so addicted that they actually get into fights about who will make the next cup of tea. They’ve been married 25 years now, and I’ll tell you a typical example: It is Saturday morning in the Mathur household. My dad is upstairs watching old Kishore Kumar classics on YouTube on his new macbook pro (which I think he loves more than me by the way) and my mom will be downstairs watching Namaste America.
All is peaceful and quite until all of a sudden my mom will turn to the left and yell “SUNNIYEEEE!!!!” Now this word in Hindi literally means “hey listen” but we Indians know what it really means when it comes down to chai. It means “Hey Fatso! Move your butt down here and make me a cup of tea!”
And my dad will come downstairs almost angry, with a frown on his face like he’s really upset. And he’ll come stand in front of my mom and be like “Excuse me. Did you forget yesterday? When Radha and family where over? Who made the tea?”
My mom glare at him and always say “That was the first time you’ve ever made tea…”
Now when arguments are not going their way, Indian uncles will always say one inspirational quote which they think will win the argument
My Dad responds, “Well the first time is the best time!”
Nobody knows what he means but he says it with such conviction that he thinks he knows what he’s talking about. But after a five minute long banter, they forget about the argument and because they’re so addicted, one of the two will always end up making tea for the other.
This happens daily and Ive tried everything to get my parents off this Indian drug. Do they have a tea nicotine patch? Let me know, cause my parents need it.
I try as much as possible to live a healthy lifestyle. My new years resolution was to do more cardio and since then, I have kept my promise and run a mile everyday (give or take four or five days). I feel good, know I’m doing my heart a favor, and am even up to three and a half abs on my quest! BOOOYA!
I feel physically fit these days and thought I was in great condition, that is until the tree in front of my house blossomed these crazy pink mutant flowers. Now all my life I’ve never been allergic to anything. The only thing I know is that I make girls allergic to me. Anyway, for some odd reason now, every time I go outside and pass this tree with flowers, my left eye starts watering. Exactly three minutes later, I will start crying from my left eye and sneeze exactly six times consecutively thereafter.
After this ridiculous moment, everything stops and nothing happens. All is calm. It just seems like God was bored and decided to play playing tricks with my face and made everything short circuit.
Then all hell breaks loose.
My right eye starts itching while the left eye starts to spasm. Not only do I sneeze but feel extremely sleepy. I also crave butterscotch ice-cream. This happens exactly ten minutes after I pass this tree.
I took sex education in elementary school and am pretty sure I am not pregnant so I have come up with two reasons for this absurd act:
My Indian neighbors hate me because I play my music too loud and are trying to poison me by planting hybrid flowers that emit toxin chemicals because they’re jealous of my ability to mix from Lil’ Scrappy to Cliff Richards to Bob Marley.
Because of global warming, the squirrels in my neighborhood now pee deadly venom causing the tree to blossom pollutant flowers which the bees pollinate causing George Bush to become president which makes me cry.
Those are the only things that would ever cause such illogical malfunctions in my face. I refuse to believe I am allergic to anything. I am a MAN!
I just got a paper shredder. It’s awesome. I’ll find any excuse to shred anything lying around because the act of shredding is so fun. Not only can my handy dandy paper shredder shred paper, but it can also shred credit cards. Its a good excuse to clean out your wallet too. I don’t mean the credit cards that you use, but old IDs and such. I had a Newport Beach Library card which I got one day back in college. Will I ever go back again? Probably not. Result = SHREDDED.
Anyway, they should make household shredders that shred everything. For instance, I have a problem with my socks. I can never find the other sock to complete the pair since I stupidly bought a variety of socks over the course of my life and there are also sock gnomes stealing and living off of my socks in my closet. I have tube socks, ankle socks, christmas socks, and I even think I have a pair of Harvin’s black socks for some reason. Anyway, on a good day, I can coordinate maybe three pairs after I do laundry. But my closet is full of “pairless” socks. So what do I do with just one sock? SHREEDED!
I would also love to shred a banana and a turkey leg for absolutely no reason. SHREDDED!
