So last week in LA, I was on my way to a recording session for Mixed Nutz, and I was running a tad late. However, I had not eaten a thing all day and conveniently went through a Wendy’s drive through near my destination. I ordered a chicken sandwich and I was on my way. What happened next has never happened to me before, nor did I think it was possible. I took my first bite into the sandwich and felt as if someone was soldering my lower lip ala 7th grade shop class (aka brute force and no hand control with the iron). I realized that the damn sandwich burned me. This was no incident I thought was blog worthy, let alone to tell anyone publicly (War Veteran: “I got this battle scar fighting off the German Battalion : Harvin: “I got this from a spicy chicken sandwich”).
However, a few days after, I find myself with a continuously-slow-bleeding-mini-open wound, that hurts all day and will hardly let me open my mouth, kinda like the Bush administration over the past 7 years. This led me to two conclusions. Either this is a sign from God telling me to become a vegetarian, or we’ve discovered a new torture mechanism in Guantanemo Bay. Could you imagine? Being famine after being detained by Homeland Security after accidentally putting your girlfriend’s Heavenly Divine lotion in your baggage, getting hauled to Git-mo with no inflight food service…and being a presented a Spicy Chicken Sandwich from Wendy’s when you arrive, only to find out after the first bite that you’ve been branded in the face.
Maybe it’s all promotional, just a way to add a red freckle on your face like the Wendy’s girl.
Hey…I’ve been a terrible blogger recently…I apologize, but hey…I’m glad you’re over it now, let’s move on. Cinco De Mayo! omg, find as many friends that are willing to buy Corona’s on sale at the local Bev Mo and buy a sombrero and poncho. That is the meaning of the holiday as I perceive it from what all my friends and acquaintances are up to.
However, not many people know, May 5th actually commemorates the initial victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín over French forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. Not as exciting is it.
Wikipedia literally says that Cinco De Mayo “is perhaps best recognized in the United States as a date to celebrate the culture and experiences of Americans of Mexican ancestry, much as St. Patrick’s Day, Oktoberfest, and the Chinese New Year are used to celebrate those of Irish, German, and Chinese ancestry, respectively”
Hm….St. Patty’s Day-Lots of people drink to “celebrate ancestry”, Oktoberfest-more people drink to “celebrate ancestry,” and Chinese New Year, is probably an excuse for all the non Chinise in China towns across America to “celebrate ancestry.” Isn’t it a tad funny that all these holidays celebrate the past with a hobby that, well, doesn’t really help you even REMEMBER the past?
On this Cinco De Mayo, I will remember going through the bank ATM and seeing a Mexican Grandmother with 4 of her grandchildren walking down the sidewalk, each profoundly wearing the colors of the Mexican national flag. The last kid in line was the best, probably around 4; Sombrero-check, Poncho-check, Miniature Mariachi Guitar-Check, Super Green Rainboots that made him look like the kid from “Big Daddy”-Supercheck.
So while I have a fond memory of my Cinco De Mayo, I hope you at least remembered to have a designated driver. And if not…here’s something to suit your Seis De Mayo Hangover
I try as much as possible to live a healthy lifestyle. My new years resolution was to do more cardio and since then, I have kept my promise and run a mile everyday (give or take four or five days). I feel good, know I’m doing my heart a favor, and am even up to three and a half abs on my quest! BOOOYA!
I feel physically fit these days and thought I was in great condition, that is until the tree in front of my house blossomed these crazy pink mutant flowers. Now all my life I’ve never been allergic to anything. The only thing I know is that I make girls allergic to me. Anyway, for some odd reason now, every time I go outside and pass this tree with flowers, my left eye starts watering. Exactly three minutes later, I will start crying from my left eye and sneeze exactly six times consecutively thereafter.
After this ridiculous moment, everything stops and nothing happens. All is calm. It just seems like God was bored and decided to play playing tricks with my face and made everything short circuit.
Then all hell breaks loose.
My right eye starts itching while the left eye starts to spasm. Not only do I sneeze but feel extremely sleepy. I also crave butterscotch ice-cream. This happens exactly ten minutes after I pass this tree.
I took sex education in elementary school and am pretty sure I am not pregnant so I have come up with two reasons for this absurd act:
My Indian neighbors hate me because I play my music too loud and are trying to poison me by planting hybrid flowers that emit toxin chemicals because they’re jealous of my ability to mix from Lil’ Scrappy to Cliff Richards to Bob Marley.
Because of global warming, the squirrels in my neighborhood now pee deadly venom causing the tree to blossom pollutant flowers which the bees pollinate causing George Bush to become president which makes me cry.
Those are the only things that would ever cause such illogical malfunctions in my face. I refuse to believe I am allergic to anything. I am a MAN!
I just got a paper shredder. It’s awesome. I’ll find any excuse to shred anything lying around because the act of shredding is so fun. Not only can my handy dandy paper shredder shred paper, but it can also shred credit cards. Its a good excuse to clean out your wallet too. I don’t mean the credit cards that you use, but old IDs and such. I had a Newport Beach Library card which I got one day back in college. Will I ever go back again? Probably not. Result = SHREDDED.
Anyway, they should make household shredders that shred everything. For instance, I have a problem with my socks. I can never find the other sock to complete the pair since I stupidly bought a variety of socks over the course of my life and there are also sock gnomes stealing and living off of my socks in my closet. I have tube socks, ankle socks, christmas socks, and I even think I have a pair of Harvin’s black socks for some reason. Anyway, on a good day, I can coordinate maybe three pairs after I do laundry. But my closet is full of “pairless” socks. So what do I do with just one sock? SHREEDED!
I would also love to shred a banana and a turkey leg for absolutely no reason. SHREDDED!
I have a Dell laptop. It is probably the worst thing in the world. Not only is it slow and unresponsive after I open up two programs, but it takes twenty minutes to load. I bought it last year during the holiday season thinking that I’ll save money and get a cheap Dell laptop for just writing documents, scripts, and other little stuff.
It was the worst investment on my part. Anyway, I was dreaming like usual and this is what I would buy if someone randomly decided to give me the following amounts of money:
$10 - Chipotle burrito. Light on the beans, yes sour cream, and extra cheese please.
$100 - Get an oil change for my Honda Civic cause I need one and buy some new clothes since I have no sense of fashion and will periodically wear checked shirts from India that make me look like a lumberjack.
$500 - Invest in advertising for my production company. Oh that’s www.ParidymPictures.com if you don’t know. We specialize in viral advertising, commercials, music videos, short films and more! Don’t wait, check it out today!
$1000 - Laptop, desktop, or any software to enhance production. If I have money left over, buy a pet Cobra.
$5000 - Take a trip somewhere. Australia? Mongolia? Rhode Island?
$10,000+ - Buy a country and/or girlfriend, then invest in my short film.
Hey guys, so this is a really serious issue I’ve been having with my friend recently. We’ve been debating for quite some time now regarding the actual whereabouts of a sour/sweet sensation when it hits your mouth. It’s been an ongoing battle and we decided the best way to settle the score is to take a poll from you all.
So please be serious when voting. Trust me, this poll has the ability to cause world peace, so answer wisely. If its too hard, I suggest drinking some some expired guava nectar or a smoothie made of pure goat milk and ketchup.
So wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted a blog. I feel almost ashamed because I pride myself in being a regular content producer especially through this blog. Usually, every night before I go to bed, I’ll take my laptop and write a post for the next day. It keeps the content and creative juices flowing. But a lot of people have been asking me recently: “Pari why haven’t you posted anything? Your page is scattered with your old posts!”
Let me tell you why.
Being an adult sucks. If you’re reading this and below the age of 21, live it up, because once you hit that age where you enter the real world, it gets crazy. You have bills. You have to pay car insurance. Student loans. Parking tickets. Oh and to top it all off, I have no game whatsoever with the female race, which makes life twice as hard.
Anyway, so that’s the story. I’ve been busy managing my life. My production company has recently starting picking up speed, and I’ve fallen deep into the business side of the world which is both exciting and new since my background is heavily in the creative arts.
Its tough work which requires a lot of focus, but so far, I’ve been doing a great job managing my time. I think I have a great head on my shoulders and think I know what I’m doing (cross your fingers) in order to reach my goals. And I truly believe that with a stable mind, comes stable opportunities.
But there is one thing in life that I cannot manage, and that is my clothes. I do laundry, I hang them up in my closet, but somehow after two weeks, everything I put in order, ends up in the middle of my floor in a giant pile. I have no idea how this happens and absolutely no idea how to stop it. It’s the only thing in my life that I can’t organize. For example, when I come back from work, I usually go running. After I come back, I’m tired and hungry, and the last thing I want to do is spend 10 minutes organizing my clothes since I could be eating food and watching Baseball Tonight on ESPN instead. So what happens? I take a shower and my clothes end up on the floor.
Maybe I should change my habits? Screw it. The Giants will only win the pennant with my support.
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
The man groaned but didn’t budge.
The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?”
With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”
