Get it out of my face

There are two things in this world that I don’t understand: Jellybeans and NASCAR.

Jellybeans don’t taste good. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am big fan of chocolate and candy, but never understood why Jellybeans are still being manufactured today. For example, at my parents’ house, my mom always has a jar of Oreo cookies, a little bowl of jellybeans, and a basket of candy out on one of the side tables as you enter our house.

My mom is a teacher and little kids just adore my sister, so our house is periodically filled with little hooligans from the neighborhood that are two feet tall and run around with enough stamina to solve the world’s energy crisis.

I’ve noticed however, that these kids will run straight for either the cookies or dig around the candy basket until nothing but the yellow starbursts are left. Never have I seen my mom refill the little bowl of jelly beans.

Let me tell you why. They taste like stupid. That’s right, if stupid had a flavor it would be jellybean. If I eat one, nothing in my brain says, “hey, that was good. I want another one.” They feel waxy and some of the flavors are just plain ridiculous. I mean why would anyone eat a jelly bean that is banana, peanut butter, or get this, Jalapeño flavored! Get that out of my face dude.

Next topic, NASCAR.

I am a sports fanatic. I can watch any sport on television that is except for NASCAR. Watching cars go in circles for 500 laps does not seem entertaining unless every lap there is either a giant car crash or a clown that has to dodge the cars for his life. Maybe if NASCAR was just 10 laps and the cars had items they picked up like Mario Kart. I would watch NASCAR if NASCAR had red shells.

Maybe it’s a whole other experience being there and watching it. I’ll put it on my to do list. But until then, get that out of my face dude.

And don’t even get my started on okra or eggplant dishes.

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BRUUUAAHHHH

Its Bhangra season. I can feel it. I can hear it. I’ve been on YouTube all morning watching videos. Check out two of my favorite performances from LBC and Khalsa Junction.

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Curry Bear Interview

Our good friends at Curry Bear (currybear.com) interviewed us after Philly Fest 2008. Check out the three part interview. Thanks Curry Bear!

Part I

Part II

Part III

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Chocolate Rain

The greatest original song from Tay Zonday. Not only is the performance fantastic, but the lyrics are just incredible.

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Baboon Saloon

I’ve noticed that if you are a remotely attractive female, you will get stared at by guys no matter where you are or what you do. It’s a proven fact.

Indian guys are the worst and I am certain some actually have a genetic disorder when it comes to observing women. Either that, or somewhere along the line somebody in India mated with a barn own, cause some of these fellows just get googly-eyed and glare at girls like they’re wild jungle roosters. Pretty creepy if you ask me.

Might I also add, these are also the same Indian men that will drink too much and fight anything that moves, although I’ve seen a 200 pound drunk Indian man with a goatee and gold chain fight a stop sign. I don’t know who won though. I was laughing too hard.

But so what happens then when you’re dating a girl who is sociable, outgoing, and wants to consistently have dance parties with her girlfriends that happen to be at same places these male gorillas congregate?

Well, there are a few options:

You can lock her up in a cage. Simple and easy solution and the most consistent method of trust in a relationship. You know exactly where she is at any given moment and you don’t have to worry about her freak-dancing a dude with an IQ equivalent to a pile of sedimentary rocks.

Move to Idaho. There are no gorillas in Idaho. Only potatoes. It’s okay if your girl dates a potato.

Stop caring. In the end, you must have done something correctly to obtain an attractive girlfriend in the first place right? If this is true, then you can definitely do the same things again to get another attractive girlfriend, if God forbid, she does decide to cheat on you with a male chimpanzee from Amritsar. The problem with this last point however, is that getting a girlfriend is hard work. You have to devote time, money, cell phone minutes, and give up life essentials like the 11pm showing of Sportcenter on ESPN. This takes a lot of mental patience and dedication. When you’ve gone through the physiological strain one time, why go through it again? You ultimately stop caring and join a fantasy baseball league with your friends which is by far the best girlfriend anyone can have.

I mean when it comes down to it what can you do? You can get jealous but what is that going to prove? It just makes everyone look stupid, especially yourself. All you can really do is hope that your girlfriend is reliable like a Honda civic, take a deep breath, say a prayer, and go with the flow.

So in conclusion, I praise all the girls that don’t put themselves in compromising situations, all six of you. I’ve analyzed the situation and have put myself in your shoes. I didn’t really try on girls shoes, but I totally understand why some of you choose to do some of the things you do and am totally fine with it because in the end, I would do the same thing if I were a hot girl. I would totally make guys buy me stuff I don’t need like cheeseburgers and endangered snow leopards. Nonetheless, I am very thankful I am a guy. I don’t bleed. I don’t have to put on eyelash makeup. I can fart and it can be funny.

God bless America.

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Singin’ in the rain

There is nothing better than taking a hot shower. Not only do you get clean, but they are often relaxing and a good way to get your mind restarted. In addition, most of my ideas for these blog posts come while I’m scrubbing axe body spray using my yellow loofa under my armpits.

But the problem I’m having these days is I can’t take long showers. For some reason the hot water in my shower only lasts about two and a half minutes. This means I have to time everything just so I don’t have to be cold.

When I step in the shower, I only have about thirty seconds where I can enjoy the hot water before I have to start working. In the next minute afterwards, I have to finish scrubbing myself because if I have to shampoo, then time is of the essence. I feel like an asian kid solving a rubik’s cube. WORKING FAST!

Anyway, the point of my blog is that I dislike being cold especially when I’m wet. And don’t get me started on wet socks. If my socks get wet I will seriously cause a scene. I absolutely hate that feeling.

That’s about it.

This was a stupid blog post. I’m going back in the shower.

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Who let the dogs out?

My curiosity has always been greater than an infant holding a red crayola crayon in front of a white wall. Everyday my brain is filled with life questions which unfortunately go on unanswered because sadly, even though I am Indian, I am not a scientist like George Bush.

I am a big animal lover and have grown up surrounded by animals. However, I’ve noticed that some animals are not as smart as the rest. For instance, of all the dogs that lived on my street, there would always be one dog that would always run into things. He would turn around seven times for no apparent reason, sit down, bark, and then immediately run after a sprinkler. Being seven years old, I thought this was hilarious and a naturally why humans fall in love with dogs.

As my childhood progressed, my sister got a cat. His name is Snowy Mathur and he’s still living today, although he must be well over 3000 years old in human years, which is a miracle because this cat is just plain good ol’ fashioned stupid. Snowy has an amazing resume from licking battery acid from a Dodge Durango and getting tangled in the vacuum chords, both times requiring an trip to the Emergency Vet clinic.

From Snowy Mathur himself, I’ve always been curious; do animals have mentally challenged amongst their species like we humans do? Could there be a mentally challenged bumble-bee? A mentally challenged horse? Are there genius beavers that can do Calculus? How do you tell? Do they have IQ tests for animals?

If you know the answers, shoot us an email at pari@pariandharvin.com. In the meantime, here is a picture of Snowy Mathur with a red Santa hat, eating corn. Self explanatory.

CLICK HERE

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At the club

The following video reminded me instantly of at least 16 Indian girls I know or have interacted with in my lifetime just off the top of my head. Well performed Eliza Skinner.

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Whacko Jacko

I’m not gonna lie, I am a fan of Michael Jackson. I don’t care about his alien transformation or whatever lawsuits he has had having sleepovers with little children, because when it comes down to it, he is an amazing artist. His music is fantastic and has brought international success and recognition. I mean come on, how can you not jam to classics like Thriller or The Way You Make Me Feel if they come on the radio?

Here are some Michael Jackson facts:

• Michael has sold over 170 million albums worldwide.
• Michael had a chimp named “Bubbles.” Harvin’s parents almost named him Bubbles.
• Michael’s music video “Scream” is one of the most expensive music videos ever made, costing over $7 million.
• Michael holds record for most Grammys won in one year with 8 in 1984.
• First artist to generate 7 top ten hits (USA) on one album with Thriller; Only artist in history to generate 5 #1 hits (USA) from one album with Bad.
• His albums “Thriller” and “Dangerous” are the biggest selling albums of all time.

What’s even better is that he’s a crazy dancer which is what inspired your Usher’s and Justin Timberlake’s of today. So next time you knock on MJ, see if you can dance like the father of pop himself. Check this White Boy Groove!

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Watch Harvin @ the Hollywood Improv with Jon Lovitz, and Jamie Kennedy for Free!…and a blog

That’s right, this thursday, March 6th, at 10pm come out to the Hollywood Improv on Melrose Ave. in Hollywood, and watch Harvin do his standup comedy THANG with Jon Lovitz, Jamie Kennedy, Skyler Stone, and many more! To get on the free guest list, email harvin at HARVIN@PARIandHARVIN.COM with your first name, last name, and number of guests.

P.S.

Here’s my blog for today. First of all, to Pari’s last blog…you ain’t none seen my fight no Ele-FANT! I could take down dumbo with a swipe of my car keys. I can also do a great elephant noise…if you can find the video that I do one of my infamous elephant impressions, Harvin will make a free comedic photoshop design just for you! Just comment back to this blog, and the first one will get a coveted photoshop masterpieeccee.

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